How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
