just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
