OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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