New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is it penis luge time yet?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
