Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
