Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize