he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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