We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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