I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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