Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
