Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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