I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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