and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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