Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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