i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize