my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
