I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize