Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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