We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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