You're my little dorito
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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