when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
