3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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