Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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