My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I didn't notice because vodka
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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