i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
