I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
