No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
