he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
