I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
