She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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