You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
