Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
