I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
