u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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