if you like me you must not know who I am
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The uberlube is also flammable
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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