God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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