Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
True strength comes from lack of pants
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
