They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
