Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
false alarm, still single
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
