I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
