Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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