Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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