Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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