Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
