You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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