I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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