why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
