wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
