Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
