So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
