He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
