The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
