from now on my penis is your penis
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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