Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize