dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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