remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
