Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
