I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
