I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
