Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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