I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So vagazzling was a success
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
