i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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