M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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