Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
did i just pee glitter
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
