she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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