So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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