my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
