after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
