I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
