Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
