Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
