Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
