If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
